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Brace Yourselves!


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It's all getting a bit too serious...Tolls, general state of the Broads, Uncle Albert in and out of hospital all week...back in again last night...but but BUT...we just need to take a step back and try and laugh a bit no matter what life throws at you!

For your amusement and delectation...Dylan The Boats Beagle is a working dog, a medic alert dog. He alerts me to when I'm about to have a CVA, cranial vascular accident or in layman's terms another stroke. He can give me up to three days notice of when I'm going to be ill. He does this by pushing his face into mine. This morning Dylan went to work and gave me an alert! Warning the following images are quite graphic!

7:15 AM Dylan alerts me to impending problem with his usual signal of pushing his face into mine...


However...having learned the signal goads me into action Dylan also uses the same signal if he wants something


7:16 AM Dylan let's go an almighty 'Donald'! I'm either going to have a stroke or...the dog needs a crap! Tune in next week to see if I snuffed it or sniffed it! And for God's sake lighten up folks?


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One has to look at this from the dog's point of view.

If I were to enter the room and find my charge flat on his back on the floor, seemingly fully clothed, with a cup of tea beside his head and his glasses on, at 0715 in the morning, would I regard this as "par for the course", or would I go into alert mode?  And which of the two of them them looks as though he needs a crap?

As they say on "Strictly" - it takes two!


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So after a day of running around sorting out a diagnosis for Uncle Albert at Lincoln County...I'm still alive, bit of chest pain, but nothing out of the ordinary. Uncle Albert has been diagnosed finally with delirium as a result of mass infection in lungs and bladder. So I'm hoping now that the hospital will actually keep him as an in patient instead of discharging him so that he can get antibiotics and his insulin, having refused to take both on Sunday.

15 hours ago, Vaughan said:

alert mode

Neither Dylan or his brother Toby has an alert mode Vaughan. We can walk through the woods and rabbits, deer, badgers, stoats and foxes will walk either side of the beagles without the dogs noticing. Both dogs are currently as alert as they get...Toby in his duvet in the lounge and Dylan...under my duvet in the bedroom!

It is much to my chagrin JM that as I get older people comment on how I'm the image of my father. Uncle Albert grows ever more a stunt double for Old Man Steptoe. As 'dear old pater' has one lung, diabetes, double heart bypass, is profoundly deaf...currently delirious...I wish my Mum had slept around a bit, just to give me a chance in life! 

14 hours ago, grendel said:

So, thats Thunder- guts and Dylan then?

Wasn't that a film with Clint Eastwood? I bet Dylan is Clint!

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I find the best tonic is to laugh like a drain...having said that it does get me in bother. My request to the nursing staff yesterday of 'try putting the cuff around his neck' when they came to take Uncle Albert's blood pressure went down like Bobby Crush on an oil rig.

I did get a little 'vexed' yesterday though when prison officers marched a convict in handcuffs to the front of the queue. I was really got vexed when the prisoner started to complain that 'I'm embarrassed I want a private room'. Although my sense of humour was restored when a little old lady went to town on the miscreant prodding him with her walking stick. The prison officers then took the prisoner to stand outside. Two minutes later they were back in the hospital with the prisoner complaining 'it's too cold I've not been outside for seven months'. I started to snigger when a matronly type walked up to the prisoner and slapped a sticking plaster to his forehead...and I mean slapped...and sent him on his way.

Right time to walk those dogs and then head back to the hospital to collect Uncle Albert's washing and take him clean PJ's and charge the battery in the tablet I loaned him. £15 for two days so he can watch TV on hospital system...Sky Go £5 a month roll of Gaffa Tape £2, stick tablet to hospital TV monitor...Sharks, Hitler and Jeremy Kyle for Uncle Albert...Priceless!

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On my few "escorts" to the local NHS establishments I can say from experience that the "Patients" get very little sympathy from the staff, in days long past a doctor could be summoned if a prisoner was suspected of hiding items internally, I have seen grown men cry like babies as the doctor entered the cubicle with a tray of stainless steel funnels, straight from the fridge for said examination. Men are not used to this type of treatment (usually).

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Great! This thread is a super  antidote! After some stressful weeks a friend died on Thursday last, dementia masking a much more serious condition etc etc now I am funeral planning, took a break to read this lunacy. Thank you, thank you, thank you!


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You are more than welcome Polly...as Spike Milligan said 'my father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic'. Spike also said 'You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.'. Lunatic, genius, psychic, sidekick? and prophet!

So I try to get into the ward to see Uncle Albert, but the ward is on 'lock down'. This is due to an elderly gent with beard and hair do like Gandalf having an argument with ward staff as he tries to make a break for freedom.The previous day he's made it to the cathedral before the coppers tracked him down.

"There's nothing wrong with me I tell you'. says the old guy.
"But you are not very well!" says a nurse.
"Why would you say a thing like that?" asks the old bloke hanging onto his drip stand.
"Dad you are not dressed properly!" chips in the daughter to her stark naked father.
"How dare you! I'm wearing my very best hat!" exclaims the bare headed patient.

We looked...all of us...doctors, nurses, the blokes daughter,the security guard, me...we all looked at his invisible hat!

On the ward and Uncle Albert had not improved but sparked a little when I hunted down his glasses and popped them on his face. Drawing blood for tests was a performance Uncle Albert making a fool of himself shouting at the 'pain' of the tourniquet...which had not been put on him yet. Next stop invisible hat I'm telling you!

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11 hours ago, JennyMorgan said:

There but for the grace of God go I, ohhhh dear! 

Ahem I did kind of notice in the EDP article that they, erm,sort of, you know, kind of mentioned...how did it go? "Jenny Morgan, old as Methuselah" :naughty:

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1 hour ago, Timbo said:

Ahem I did kind of notice in the EDP article that they, erm,sort of, you know, kind of mentioned...how did it go? "Jenny Morgan, old as Methuselah" :naughty:

I saw that as well. You've had your threescore years and ten, Mate!

Trouble is I'm only one behind you, now!  Fish2

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5 hours ago, JennyMorgan said:

Methuselah, brother of Jeroboam, he's definitely potty! Is it a sibling thing?


4 hours ago, MauriceMynah said:

Why couldn't they have been called 'Dave' and 'Ted' ? I can spell those!!

I dunno...JeremyBowen seems to be doing alright for himself...BBC Middle East Editor, although quite rare strategic planning from the BBC getting your actual bloke from the actual Bible. 

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