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Timbo

Wayfood Bridge Inn

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Day One

On the forum's behalf and with no thought of myself...I booked my svelte eighteen stone frame into the Wayford Inn for a few days while I worked on Royal Tudor. What a gallant figure I must have made, with my tricorn hat, tricorn trousers, and an unexpurgated first edition of the forum flag. I checked in my seaman's trunk and elephant gun then set off to rendezvous with one M. Maurice Mynah and his travelling companion Rufus.
"Nice chap, bit eccentric." M. Mynah had said of his companion.
Dear reader you will forgive my bluntness but my immediate thought was 'Good Lord! MM's mental and he thinks Rufus is eccentric?'.

I met the sage gentlemen aboard M.Mynah's craft Nyx, just as they were finishing dinner. Leaving poor Rufus to the washing up M.Mynah and I retired to the Wayford Inn for a pint or two of Adnams. I produced my cigars, rolled on the tender thighs of the Richardson's cleaning crew. M.Mynah admitted he had not smoked since the 1990's. I put this down to his bathing thrice a day in olive oil and the consequent lack of friction. Still, he selected a fine cigar. A red one with a wick in the end. Bathed in glorious Norfolk sunshine and Honduran cigar smoke we smoked and drank good beer, while I waited for the bang, until Rufus joined us. No sooner had he arrived than he discovered that it was his round!

A couple of rounds later I realised that I was incredibly hungry. As MM and Rufus had already eaten I would dine alone while they stopped the bar from escaping. I asked the barman if he could fetch my elephant gun.
"My God man you can't hunt elephants in England!" exclaimed MM.
"Why ever not?" I asked.
"They're out of season." Rufus explained.

So I opted for the Prawn and Avocado Timbale, a delicious multi storied tower of plump prawns sandwiched between avocado accompanied by a Marie Rose sauce and fresh ciabatta. This was quickly followed by my favourite dish at the Wayford Liver and bacon with mashed potato and fresh vegetables. The liver was tender, the mash smooth and creamy, the vegetables al dente...and the gravy...oh words cannot describe the piquant delicately seasoned, yet rounded, wholesome delight! I finished the meal by joining MM and Rufus at the bar, which had not escaped, where I ordered two cheese boards stacked with a deliciously creamy brie, tangy stilton and I think a Norfolk Dapple. We washed the cheese down with a delicious half bottle of 'something whistled up by Karen the landlady' and M.Mynah indulged us in a bottle of best port.

I returned to drinking the Adnams when something truly shocking occurred. M.Mynah retired early! Dear reader I cannot relate adequately the gravity of this event. One minute he's sitting beside me the next he announces he's going to bed.What what what what what?
"Yes Timmy lad you will go down in history as a witness." said M.Mynah.
"But I never saw the accident!" I gibbered.
"Think, Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, and now, you!" continued MM from the door.
"I agree. But what's you leaving early got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?" I asked...too late for he had departed.

This left Rufus and I to make sure the bar didn't follow MM. We stayed until closing...just for appearances. I went for the Lincolnshire idiot look while Rufus went for dishabille. Eventually it was time to leave and I decided to escort Rufus back to the boat. Halfway across the carpark his legs caught up with him. Down the path to the water's edge it was very dark. We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it.

Splash! Rufus had missed his step. He'd fallen in the water! Ten miles he swam. The last three were agony as they were over land. As he swam ashore, he dried himself to save time. Eventually I saw him safe and sound back to Nyx and I returned to the comfort of my hotel room.

Tune into the next episode where I meet Wildfuzz and Royalty.

 

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I feel I should say a few words in my defence about retiring from the pub before it closed. I needed to get back to the boat early so that someone would be there for when I returned.

Rufus certainly did seem a little unsteady on his feet when he got back, even on his hands and knees he was a bit shaky. He needs a tee-shirt with "This way up" written on it, preferably sideways so we can read it.

Roughly speaking, when we returned to the mooring at the Pleasure boat, Rufus stepped off the boat and promptly fell over. As you have all heard, on leaving the Wayford Bridge Inn, he fell over and had a close encounter of the fifth kind with the river Ant. But these episodes are but nothing to his achievement on the first night aboard Nyx. He went to bed, and at about 5am, fell over. Yes, I kid you not, A man who can fall over in bed. Being in the cabin next door I heard it all.

It is just possible that those making it to Salhouse might get to meet the worthy Rufus possibly even on his feet as he is the "Possible 1 other" on the list for Nyx.

Well, as I predicted, meeting up with Tim and his Elephant gun was of course a pleasure, though it can be a little embarrassing when he puts the ammunition away. Why don't you invest in one of those ammunition belts like everyone else Tim? 

 

  

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I am sitting here shaking with laughter and it's just what I needed.

WELL DONE YOU TWO!!!!! cheerscheers

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"Ten miles he swam. The last three were agony they were over land"

Dishonoured part the last, at least one part if I am not mistaken.

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2 hours ago, MauriceMynah said:

Why don't you invest in one of those ammunition belts like everyone else Tim? 

Yes, yes, I see what your saying there old boy, and they are available on Amazon. But if I bought one from Amazon then the grey wrinkly blighters would know I was coming...jungle grapevine and all!

1 hour ago, springsong said:

Dishonoured part the last, at least one part if I am not mistaken.

Dishonoured, The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler of Bexhill-on-Sea and Lurgi Strikes Britain.

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Tim, I will just say this, if you are storing your ammunition where MM seems to be inferring, watch out for tin tacks and caltrops when you sit down, or the experience will really be a blast.

I am surprised that you have not been out in the workshop with the spoon bit augers and constructed a mahogany contrivance for your ammunition, it could be cunningly disguised as a hall stand to fool the pachyderms..

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I also trust that at the appropriate time and in your best Bluebottle voice you piped up 'he's fallen in the water'.

 

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Oh Grendel !! Shame upon shame  to be heaped on you. Anybody who knows a picture of Queen Victoria when they see one, will tell you, It's not Bluebottle who says "He's fallen in the water" but 'Little Jim'.

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darn it- I have been working too hard and my brain is over warm, leading to bad recollection, slackness of thought and imprecision.- though it can be difficult telling the two apart from voice alone. I will submit to the humiliation of public unravelling of the string vest. 

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my only saving must be that I was only ever subjected to the goons via second hand, by listening to the tapes carefully recorded off the speaking radio onto cassette, each carefully screening out ambient noise by pain of death threats before the program started, to leave the room if we wanted to take a deep breath, while making no sound and not treading on the squeaky floorboard that the microphone had inevitably been set up on.

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