Christmas Eve

[Paul]

I've had such luck you'd not believe

Upon this latest Christmas Eve

It all began whilst still in bed

Pondering the day ahead

Whilst working out the things that mattered

The peace throughout our house was shattered

I had forgotten to disarm

My blessed mobile phone's alarm

So now it sat upon the stand

Blaring out like some brass band

And like Wee Willy in his glamour

I rushed downstairs to kill the clamour

And put an end to all the noise

Which woke my wife and both the boys

 

With preparations still to make

trifles to finish, cakes to bake

Working out the best solutions

My thoughts turned to my ablutions

And heading into our ensuite

I sat myself upon the seat

But sitting on that throne of plastic

I heard a crack, a sound most drastic

No longer seated proud and high

I uttered one impulsive cry

As my behind began to slide

Heading for that great divide

The tiny space upon the floor

Between the basin and the door 

 

So off I went to B&Q

To get a new seat for our loo

My wife laid down some stipulations

And made clear her expectations

First it must be made of wood

For I believe that wood is good

And it must have the softest close

'Cause her next door has one of those. 

I found the one that looked just right

Wood, soft close and new "stay tight"

It should not bang, it should not wiggle 

If on the seat I choose to wriggle

The downside to our lavatory lid?

Not much change from fifty quid.