...and here is the news!

[Timbo]

The news. I read it, watch it and then I just can't help myself. All from today's news.

 

Scientists have discovered that the ability to cook food emerged in humans millions of years ago. It's claimed that chimps have similar 'skills' to humans with regard to an innate ability to cook and prepare food. But don't worry there won't be monkeys on Can't Cook Won't Cook as chimpanzee's don't whip out the deep fat fryer because they have trust issues...too afraid someone's going to nick their chips while they are peeling the second pan load!

 

Talking of chimps...Tony Blair is to take on 'anti-extremism' role! Apparently if these extremists don't give up taking things to the extreme Tony will crown himself King of the World,  personally take charge of the world's armed forces, invade Asia, Arabia and America (well known hotbeds of extremism), put everyone to the sword, level their cities and sow their fields with salt. Now that should teach those extremists a lesson!

 

One hundred people pick up a bus? Some dreadlocked pillock on a unicycle rides on the road and under the wheels of a bus...and one hundred passers by help lift the bus off the idiot. Unfortunately no sooner had they put the bus back down than another bus arrived immediately after the first and mowed down the gawkers filming the rescue for TubeFace and YouTwit!

 

Oxford University take a vote on eradicating the last remaining 'all male' college. David CaMORON and Boris Johnson can't see the problem in allowing minorities and the underprivileged  into Oxford. After all, someone has to do the cooking, cleaning and mow the lawns!

 

The Prison Service allow a multiple rapist out on day release...where upon he commits two more rapes and goes on the run before they track him down in London. Convicted rapist...on day release? Could it be we need some less trusting souls to guard the nations nasties? Perhaps chimps, suspicious little 'nerks' that they are, should be placed in charge of the prisons. At least we could guarantee that chip theft in the Prison Service would be reduced.

 

Hundreds of people turn up in Bristol for a 'free-for-all' public water fight. Tory ministers condemned the event as a missed opportunity to collect revenue from 'squirts' and will be investigating a change in child benefit to compensate.

 

New figures for Norfolk show that 20,500 children in the county live in poverty.There are 9354 obese children in Norfolk and over 50,000 obese adults in Norfolk. Scientists believe this is a major factor in why the county does not have a large chimpanzee population. No self respecting ape is going to colonise an area where the indigenous population will nick your chips!

 

And they think I'm an idiot?