Regulo

And I thought I was the idiot round here! See what happens when I arrive?

Not a favourite, but the latest Sainsbury's ad made Rene sit up and take note. At the end there are two kids sitting on a pavement. Behind them is April Street - which was Rene's home when she was a child. In fact she later lived in the house outside which the kids are sitting and the house opposite that (both in Perch Street). All in Hackney London E8.

No, no, no, Timbo, you're confusing us with "Seductive Steve and the Seducers". We split up when our bass player, No-Nuts Neville, was caught in a hotel room that he'd cleaned from top to bottom. The rest of the band couldn't take this act of rebellion and threw him out - of the window! Which was rather unfortunate, as we were on the ground floor. As you know Nev was a big guy, and he was none too pleased at being dumped on the pavement, so decided to return and remonstrate with Bopping Bill, our drummer, and Riffing Rob the lead guitarist. That wasn't a good idea, as Good-Time Greta, Bill's trans-gender groupie was in the bathroom applying his/her make-up. There followed the most enormous punch-up, resulting in all of my group ending up in hospital, charges being brought for affray, legal action from the hotel for the destruction of the ground floor and council charges for cleaning the blood off the street. We decided there was no future in the group and split up, vowing never to re-form. Tickets are on sale for this year's re-union.

Thanks for all the welcomes. Polly, Rene laughed 'til she had to run for the loo! Iain, I must take exception to the idea that I'm MM's older brother - I was his "fag" when we were at Eton. He could wield a nifty cane, I can tell you. He was the Flashman of his day. Timbo, now that's a hairstyle I could wear! In fact I think that's one of my early publicity shots for "Romantic Ray and the Romancers", a group I formed in the 80's. Never got anywhere, even though we couldn't play a note. We were ahead of our time, we would have been perfect as a boy band of the 90's. Except none of us could dance, either. And we weren't pretty.

Right, we're off! Just to start on Ray's guide to idiocy, I use a hair trimmer, usually with a No 4 length guide. Yesterday I forgot to fit the guard. Result: A shaved strip up one side of my bonce! I'm wearing it as a style statement. You'll all be wanting one soon.

Forgive my well-known ignorance, but shouldn't the point of battery isolation switches be to do what it says - ISOLATE the batteries from everything? What's the point of having battery isolation switches that allow possibly faulty electronic gear to remain connected directly to the batteries? I'd like to think that when I throw a battery isolator switch, everything connected to that battery will now be dead. That's what happens on my boat, anyway.

Well, I wasn't going to be joining this forum, but it is obviously in need of a new idiot. The degree of idiocy on here has fallen to a low level, and I'm ready to stand up to the plate (preferably with a mixed grill on it) and put that right. I really joined to post a question on another thread, which I feel is missing some vital information. I have been watching the goings on anonymously since last years influx of newbies (leave it!), and feel I can now contribute a bit of my vast knowledge and experience to your advantage. Stop laughing at the back! So, to those who know me, you'll know what to expect - to those that don't, sorry for what's coming.