Timbo

I always found poetry quite dull as a child...I think it was the way it was presented. In every story book I had, the thrills, spills and adventure would be interrupted by a page of sentimental waffle, aimed more at adults reading the book than the child to whom the book was being read. You see 'proper' poetry, to me, were poems recited by my Grandad. It's from him I developed a love of the absurd and a love of language..or should I say phrase. Over the years my Grandfather's poems have been mixed together with tales from other sources, jumbled around in my head, and are now delivered to my Granddaughter Gracie, who joins in on the last line...which after all this time, occasionally does not rhyme. The Mouse A mouse Went to a public house To fetch a pint of beer. "Where's your money?" "In my pocket!" "Where's your pocket?" "I forgot it!" "If you do not want to stay Sling your hook and go away!" Gracie's and my favourite is the Bug and the Flea. The last two lines are preceded by a mock gasp from Gracie as she clasps her hands over her mouth before she shouts out the lines and laughs like a drain. The Bug and the Flea A bug and a flea Went out to sea Upon a bobbin of cotton. The bug was lost! But the flea was found... Upon a ladies bottom! "A ladies bottom? Oh my tail and whiskers!" My Grandfather more than likely lifted the poems from elsewhere. I added the "Oh my tail and whiskers" from Squirrel Nutkin, I think. Of course when I became 'too old' for Granddad's recitations...he bought me a book of Spike Milligan poetry. My favourite of course being 'The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck', but 'Have a Nice Day' hit my macabre chuckle bone. Have a Nice Day 'Help, help, ' said a man. 'I'm drowning.' 'Hang on, ' said a man from the shore. 'Help, help, ' said the man. 'I'm not clowning.' 'Yes, I know, I heard you before. Be patient dear man who is drowning, You, see I've got a disease. I'm waiting for a Doctor J. Browning. So do be patient please.' 'How long, ' said the man who was drowning. 'Will it take for the Doc to arrive? ' 'Not very long, ' said the man with the disease. 'Till then try staying alive.' 'Very well, ' said the man who was drowning. 'I'll try and stay afloat. By reciting the poems of Browning And other things he wrote.' 'Help, help, ' said the man with the disease, 'I suddenly feel quite ill.' 'Keep calm.' said the man who was drowning, ' Breathe deeply and lie quite still.' 'Oh dear, ' said the man with the awful disease. 'I think I'm going to die.' 'Farewell, ' said the man who was drowning. Said the man with the disease, 'goodbye.' So the man who was drowning, drownded And the man with the disease past away. But apart from that, And a fire in my flat, It's been a very nice day.

I agree with the ban the keep net idea. For quite a few years now we have changed the target of competition from 'weight' of fish to 'number' of fish, each angler keeping score with a stitch counter bought from the haberdashery and the fish returned immediately to the water. OK it's open to 'cheating' but we don't compete for any prizes. What it has done is open up the range of fish and tactics used to catch them. Those bleak caught on a size 22-24 are no longer a joke fish under these conditions. I also agree with tackle shops stepping up and taking a bit of responsibility for what they are selling to beginners. On our teaching days we go through the tackle the beginners, both kids and adults, bring with them and discard what is inappropriate, unsuitable and down right illegal. When they finish their day's tuition we include plenty of freebies of more appropriate kit that we scrounge from tackle manufacturers who are more than willing to contribute. As far as the rod license goes I teach the beginners this. The rod license is not a contract between the EA and a 'customer'. The rod license, just like a gun license, means you are licensed to use equipment that is dangerous and can cause considerable damage, to fish, other wildlife, members of the public and yourself. Having a license is a privilege and not a right. It 's an attitude that seems to work well with the kids who look forward to purchasing their license. We make a bit of a fuss when the kids get their first license. Apart from people fishing out of season I have four gripes concerning angling on the Broads. The first is the 'silent row boat angler' who slips along the bank between the boats and starts fishing in my swim. Just a personal gripe that one. The second is the plank that sticks a large weight on their line, casts from the far bank and either hits the trees on the far bank, me or worse...my boat. The second leads me to the third which is the amount of line tangled in trees. Several times I have come to a wild mooring, usually up the Ant, and nearly been garotted by discarded fishing line. Finally we come to the pillocks that leave hooks baited overnight, both in the water and on top of their boat. A couple of years back I was walking the dogs along the moorings at St Benet's in the early morning. The sun was just coming up and there were quite a few boats moored. Four of them had left baited hooks on top of the boat and each had hooked a small bird. I had to nip back to my boat for a landing net to catch them and a disgorger and small pliers to free them. This is the sort of pillock that gives angling a bad name and get's an ear'oling at five in the morning.

Now just hang on a minute young fella me lad...why the extended stop over? Where you checking for which bunk leaked? And what's with nicking the blokes biscuits?

I've been an angler since I was old enough to hold a rod. I also sit on the bailiff committee on a local water. Our lake is adjacent to a popular day ticket lake and a lake in a nature reserve. While we adhere strictly to a closed season policy with our water the day ticket fishery does not. We actively 'manage' both land and water, cut reeds, dredge etc. Neither the day ticket water or the nature reserve do this. The day ticket water is stuffed full of stressed and damaged fish from overfishing and poor angling. The water quality is poor, and the fishery regularly requires restocking. The nature reserve has become a stagnant mire devoid of fish and wildlife. Our fishery on the other hand is well stocked, with healthy stress free fish in prime condition with abundant wildlife...little owls nested last year. On a monthly basis we are approached by the chump that owns the day ticket fishery for help and advice...none of which he follows siting 'financial viability'. Yet we make more money than he does from fewer anglers. Last year we won an ongoing battle with the nature reserve trying to buy us out. A quick tour with the landowner of our site and the nature reserve and he gifted us the land. We work closely with the EA and the local farmer to ensure our water quality. As I say fishing is banned in the closed season to give the fish a break. Fishing is also banned during spawning and for two weeks after which we closely monitor as spawning is dependant upon water temperature and takes a lot out of the fish which will go heavily on the feed straight after. We allow the public access to the land during the season, but not in the close or spawning. Angler's are vetted before being allowed to join and we regularly run teaching days for adults and kids. As an angler I don't have the time to contemplate angling in the close season...there's far more to fishing, if you are doing it right, to more than keep me occupied. Varnishing baskets and rods, making new floats, repairing damaged tackle, tying new hooks, disinfecting nets and mats...anything that touches the water, new line and a service for all reels, making rigs etc etc There's a phrase I often hear bandied about with regards to Norfolk. 'He's a true Broadsman'. My grandfather had a similar phrase of 'he's a true countryman'. Meaning someone who not only lived in or visited the countryside but someone who lived with the countryside and understood what was going on around them.

Some shore based tuition is a good idea. From experience I've spent quite a considerable time hanging around in reception...waiting for this that and the other before the holiday can start...ample time for some of the basics to be put across to the hirer.

Quite a strong hint I thought...perhaps I should have said 'that little bridge', but being contentious... I spent that holiday doing some serious thinking about how much money I had spent with the company over the years..allowing for inflation...time...fluctuations in the quality of boats I could afford to hire etc etc. A rough calculation was I spent on average £1K- £2K a year on boat hire. Average that by thirty years I'd been hiring with the same company...and I could have afforded to buy my own boat years ago. A spot of research and the costs of buying a boat and keeping a boat...Uncle Albert and I bought Royal Tudor right after that holiday. My main goal once we are back afloat again is to get as much experience and tuition as I can.

After being informed by Uncle Albert that several people had died and the pub had burnt down I started making plans in my head to fly home from Israel. When he continued to tell me that someone was not a woman but a man and something was wrong with the cows...I paused and rewound the conversation in my head. "Are you talking about the soaps you idiot?" I asked. The reply came in the affirmative. "I thought I'd catch you up on the news." continued Uncle Albert. I put the phone down. Uncle Albert was waiting for me with The Chase question when I visited him the other day. "I knew wouldn't have seen it 'cos yer not normal!" Uncle Albert exclaimed. The 'not normal' jibe is because I do not watch television. I spend most of my day looking at monitors making film and television programs that come time to relax I listen to music, read, listen to radio...anything but television. "There! It's on the telly so it must be true...it is a National Park!" I switched channel to a Star Trek episode. "Quick Dad...hide under your bed....THE BORG ARE COMING TO ASSIMILATE YOU! Must be true it's on television!" "Nyerr!" came the reply so like Wilfred Bramble you could have put him on the telly.

Customer Report on Handover Experience Location: Northern Yard by a Little Bridge Date: September 2012 Me: Excuse me, we are the only boat left, the rest of the boats and the staff seem to have left,we've been waiting for five hours so can you do the handover? Boatyard Employee: Staff party last night, we all have headaches. Me: And? Boatyard Employee: Have you been before? Me: Yes, but... Boatyard Employee: Know what you doing then. Me: But never had dual steering bef... Boatyard Employee: Oh you'll work it out. Bye. On the off chance I'd encountered a practical joker I stalked around the yard looking for another member of staff but all was closed. So...we set off. Returned to the yard three days later to have a faulty water pump exchanged and mentioned lack of handover... Boatyard Employee: You seem to be managing OK! So off we went again.

A rather wonderful lady in the village that I grew up in had difficulty pronouncing words beginning with or containing the letter 'R', instead substituting 'W' in a similar style to Pontious Pilate in the Life of Brian. Her kids names? Wonald, Wussel and Wichard. Her husband? Bwian of course.

I'm not talking about boat names here. I'm talking about the names of the future generation. It might just be this particular part of Lincolnshire where parents have lumbered their offspring with heinous monikers? According to the census before last we have a child in the town named Chlamydia, reported on Radio 4. At my Granddaughter's school there is a girl called Latte. Today I was introduced to four of the kids from a family of eight. 'They all 'ave rate classy names!' their mother told me. 'This is Armani, this is Joop and this is Lauren her twin brother's ova thee're he's Ralph'. Of course me being me...I couldn't resist asking 'is your husband a bit of a Brut', but of course my comment fell to the ground quicker than a Chelsea forward in the penalty area. I can't help asking 'what the hell is wrong with people?'. I kid ye not an acquaintance of mine with the surname Farquhar called his first born Tarquin. He was most dischuffed when I threatened to call the authorities.

Fish and chips? Only one decent one in Norfolk...Ken's Fish and Chips Hoveton...although Weyford Inn do a decent fish and chips too!

Marshman...didn't the wherries that used the Smale or Ant be built to smaller dimensions than wherries used on larger rivers...and is there an example still afloat or any one got a photograph of one afloat?

Not so much a 'blinkered' approach as 'stalled' in every sense of the word?

Architects, town planners and council highways departments et al...all used to meet in Yates Wine Lodges. Business has now been moved to Wetherspoons so they can use the kids crayons to complete their designs before unleashing them on the public! Well known fact that is!

You should see the lockers Griff put in BA under the floor for those 'sea going' jaunts!

This is how it's done Frank...avoid the cheap tobacco it usually tastes like it's been through the digestive tract of a stagnant camel. What you do is bring plenty of tobacco with you from Germany and two boxes of fifty Havana Full Corona Cigars. When you pass my boat Royal Tudor knock on the cabin, I'll put the kettle on, and pop the cigars in my foot locker!

I can sympathise with your Mrs Griff. I suppose I'm a bit squeamish. Don't get me wrong I used to love roaming the fish and game stalls on Donny market...stopping for 'scrawns on a ashtray' as I used to call them when we'd walk into town from Balby. I think it was my maternal great aunts who 'did' for me. I was once presented by them with 'jugged hare' and worst of all starry gazy pie...all those little fishes heads poking accusingly out of the crust...Ye Gods! Getting back to Steve's original request... I had such difficulties getting used to a new diet that a dietician got involved> I was expecting an emaciated stick of a girl but was pleasantly surprised... Her first piece of advice was 'don't cut all cholesterol from your diet as your body needs it'. Starting with the 'bulk' so I wasn't hungry my cupboards were filled with pasta of various sorts, rice and potatoes. A shopping trip to Morrisons (avoid Tesco for fruit and veg) and I was stocked with a selection of fresh veg, peppers, onions, carrots, broccoli, dark green cabbage, corn,sweet potato, chilli. She added tins of beans of all descriptions, tinned tomatoes and then we hit the frozen veg aisles for green beans, broad beans, peas and frozen mixed veg. A pack of bacon, chicken and fish were added. Oats in the shape of porridge, bread and biscuits. Cous cous, olives. The best thing I learned was to use the Knorr Veg Stock Pots. Just melting one into anything I'm cooking really brings out flavour. She also advocated not steaming or boiling the wotsits out of the veg...leave some crunch. My luxuries and foods that were 'non negotiable' for me were real butter not plastic emulsions and whole milk instead of 'white water'. Chicken plays a major role in a lot of meals. I make a lot of soups, risotto, stir fry and of course curry etc. All of which I find quick and easy to cook on the boat. The major problem I have is of course catering to Uncle Albert who will eat nothing but beef and sausages or 'snorkers' as he insists on calling them. I also have to avoid any spaghetti shaped pasta, soup, stew, broth or cereals...basically anything that can be slurped as the noise is horrendous and there is no escape on the boat. My favourite recipes on the boat are chicken and mushroom madras with plenty of chopped coriander and chapattis toasted on the hob. I make a swift saag aloo to go with this. Takes about twenty minutes to cook from scratch. I also like to make a veg risotto. Courgettes, cherry tomatoes, sweet potato, whole chillies and onions are slapped in a roasting tin with a sprig of thyme and a splash of olive oil and banged in the oven to roast while I go fishing. Slap a couple of bags of boil in the bag rice on to cook, chop the veg and slap the rice and veg back in the roasting tin and flash it on the hob while I stir in a veg stock pot. Amazing flavour...filling and guaranteed to have Uncle Albert moaning for days!

On a , semi, serious note I love Roys food hall. All cooking on the boat is done by me and I learned whilst in the Scouts the art of cooking on a single or double burner. I enhanced my skills while at Uni so my cooking on the boat is just like my cooking at home...similar meals. For vegetarian options, when forced to, I have a copy of Dhelia...good Norfolk Girl...who's meals are easy to prepare and delicious. I did hear a parody of her cookbook yesterday by the late Janet Brown. " For a delicious vegetarian curry blend the herbs and spices and fry with the onion before adding chopped sweet potato and coriander leaf...British cooks may want to substitute a Victoria Sponge at this stage..." For vegetarian dishes with a bit of a kick I recommend Ken Hom's stir fry book. I keep a cupboard stuffed full of fresh and dried herbs and spices and make the effort to visit the local Chinese supermarket for ingredients, but occasionally I just have to go for something bland. Like SteveO my GP has put me on an almost vegetarian diet...could be karma...for health reasons, but I do look forward to my weekly bacon sandwich...Bacon being a food group all on its own!

We'd been a regular customer of Herbert Woods for over forty years, never had a major problem...odd break down sure...but nothing to complain about...until we bought our own boat and got rammed by some half wit in a HW bathtub. Advised to be a 'gentleman' and let HW do the repair. Three years later I'm just about to start on the last of the repairs myself that HW were supposed to do and maybe get my boat back out on the water again...fingers crossed. HW just poked some putty between some sprung planks...which fell out a week later... and ignored the collapsed deck, canopy, bulkhead etc etc. Lesson learned...let my insurance company deal with any incident in the future.

After two weeks of living on a vegetarian diet enforced by my then wife I'd had just about as much as I could take... so I give you... Cooking with Quorn the Timbo way...just as I did for my vegetarian wife for two years. Buy one packet of Quorn mince and one packet of Quorn chunks. Empty contents of packets into dog's bowl and then tip what the dog has left...just about all of it...into the neighbour's bin. Retain the Quorn packaging in an inconspicuous place. Prepare a tasty meal using real food. Carefully place the Quorn packaging that most resembles the meal you prepared into the kitchen bin. Eat the meal and wash up. The following day retrieve the Quorn packaging from the kitchen bin and hide it somewhere safe. Repeat the steps above for two weeks before buying more Quorn for the packaging so that the sell by date is current. As I say I managed to keep this up for two years only being caught out when I forgot to renew the packaging and the sell by date was spotted. In those two years I was lauded as the master vegetarian chef able to make Quorn have the taste and texture of Pork, Chicken, Turkey etc. And the strange thing was...the wife swore blind that she'd never felt so healthy and active or enjoyed her food as much since I'd taken over the cooking!

Here are the 'Boys' Dylan (Right) and Toby (left). Dylan is my dog and has now been trained as a medical dog (detects my strokes before they occur). Dylan spends most of his time asleep under my duvet, unless he wants something or he comes to signal I'm going to be ill...he does this by pushing his face into mine...which is also how he tells me he needs to go out. 'So does the dog need a poop or am I going to pop my clogs?' is a question I often ask. Dylan hates me leaving him behind! When I picked him up from the kennels at eight weeks old the breeder asked 'who's is the pup chasing the horse?'. Dylan then collided with a sapling and retaliated by grabbing the top of the tree in his mouth and pulling. I had visions of him being catapulted into the next field. No chance now with the fat lump! Toby is Dylan's littermate, but is the eldest lad's dog. When he moved his family in with my other half last year while they waited for their new house to be finished Toby came to live with me. A bit like Harry Potter poor old Toby was used to sleeping in his cupboard under the stairs. When the family moved into their new house a year later...Toby stayed with me.He was a nervous dog but is much more relaxed now but rarely leaves my side. The runt of the litter his tongue is too big for his head, he's got too many toes and is more than a little ...look he really does lick windows! Poor old Toby has been diagnosed with epilepsy recently. On the boat Dylan confidently strolls around the decks, coming out to pose on the bow in his life jacket when we pass places of photo opportunity and then going back to bed when we hit the 'wilds'. Toby still has not got the hang of the decks and will take up to an hour to walk backwards along the deck crabwise with his head and bum pushed into the cabin side. Easiest way to tell the boys apart is that Dylan is stockier than Toby with a square nose, Toby has a slimmer muzzle and a white dot on his right rump...oh and Toby snores...I mean REALLY snores!

A free alternative is to use GIMP. I kicked Adobe products into touch several years ago when I discovered that GIMP had not only equalled Photoshop but surpassed it...all for free. The retouching tools are excellent. My primary use of the software is for animation and digital painting for green screen etc using the excellent plugins ...also for free. The GIMP plugin registry has a vast array of plugin tools and effects for any number of photographic and art projects, although I understand the site is currently undergoing a few changes. The GMic plugin has a dedicated suite of restorative tools, and GIMP itself has a fabulous 'Heal Selection' filter which will sample an area around your selection and use that to 'heal' any blemish etc. If you want to 'improve' old photographs scan them to a .png or .tga or any other lossless format at the highest possible resolution. Avoid jpeg files which compress the image and cause more artefacts. When taking photographs with a new digital camera remember to always shoot in RAW and not in jpeg format. RAW maintains all of the image data without compression to allow better and more accurate manipulation of the image without compression artefacts.

I thought the nation had sunk to an all time low voting in the chinless,gormless and despicable but I think the morons that took over the asylum are just licking the windows for a final touch with this one. http://www.stuff.co.nz/science/78069473/boaty-mcboatface-the-boatiest-boat-on-the-sea

I had the misfortune to sample a bottle of Cobra Indian Alcohol Free beer in Stalham two weeks ago. It was like sucking my own sweat stiffened socks.

I tried wearing a Tilley but the gas mantle got a bit hot and I permanently smelled of meths and paraffin. I now wear my fur lined tweed Barbour with the sensible ear flaps or of course my new forum cap when it arrives!