Malanka

Commander Who cares what you think just get on with it ...LOL

Wouldn’t the satellite be effected by the mass involved and crash and burn? M

Barcelo hotel. Now you may look me up. I don’t mind I’m on google. Lol M

Unfortunately I have a speaking engagement (no honestly I really do) in Hamburg Monday through Thursday of that week. It's a fun jolly, I get to talk for an hour, do a bit of a panel discussion and the organisers pay for me in an Hotel for three nights and I get to go to three conferences for free. Do not know why I didn't do more of this earlier in my career. So sadly mate we will not be joining you this time, rabbit stew not withstanding, or venison sausages either... Boy were they good. (the sausages) M

yes, devil of a channel to use if it's even the slightest bit windy as I recall from when we used to moor there. M

When I was in Primary school in the 70's in Rochdale everyone in the school at junior three as it was called at the time received "safety in the environment training" from the fire brigade. Was great fun as they brought in a huge tender we got to play about on. The mantra then was R.T.R.R. Which equated to: Reach Throw Rope Row Only if none of those things was available was any discussion at all undertaken on "going in". If anyone was about in the North of England (Lancashire please), we had a huge spate of canal and gravel pit drownings both summer and winter. So we all got this training 46 years ago. I also have life saving badges and diver recovery certificates galore, but practicing in a pool in warm water in jammies in no way prepares you for winter cold water in jeans and a jumper. So on this ocasion no I would not have gone in. I would have retrieved a life ring. One time when i did "go in" was in South Walsham broad in the scorching summer of 1983. I would have been 21 at the time and Mr fit and healthy, squash playing, endurance swimming fitness nutter. Family mud weighted about 60 yards behind us, neither mother nor father could swim as became obvious later, and their only child of about 6 or so fell over the side of the bow of the boat, we saw this immediately from our position sunbathing on the back of Juliet 9. Neither parent saw anything and were doing nothing. We yelled very loudly and saw that the child had slipped his grip on a fender and was clearly floundering, he started screaming for his life as he clearly could not swim either. The boat was less than three feet away from him but he simply couldn't reach it. Both mother and father started screaming and clearly panicking as they could not reach him, this started the child to hysterics of crying and screaming so he wasn't breathing much, ( the boat had a life ring on the roof), their boat had a tender so father goes to back of boat gets the dinghy and pulls himself (not rowing) round to the child and lifts him out. Sounds great and a good result, except that the only reason the father had the time to do all that was that I had immediately jumped into the water swam quickly across and held the child up for the father to lift him out, he couldn't do it from the dinghy by himself. I also climbed up the back of the boat and put a rope with a loop on the end on the stern line of the boat for them so if it happened again they could give him the rope. Why he didn't use the life ring I have no idea, maybe not being a swimmer it didn't occur to him I just don't know. None of them were wearing life jackets but in their defence the old huge orange jobbies would have been unbearable in that heat it was well over 30 degrees. After doing that the water was so pleasant I then swam about for the next half an hour or so and afterwards relaxed on board in the sun to chill. I was young and very foolish. Would I do that now, no I would not.

looks like Broadsedge to me. Could be wrong of course. M

John my friend Wroxham marine or the chandlers in oulten have it. Roy’s DIY also sell it. I imagine halfords would too as bikers use em both for their helmets M

For the windscreens outside try rain x it works we don’t have wipers ! For inside try fog x it works too. Don’t know why boatyards don’t apply it at the start of a weeks holiday lasts about 5 days . Other products are available

Sorry for the lack of updates but my gorgeous wife dragged me to the blue coast in the lady from Coventry for our 25th wedding anniversary ( which is today) I will update the rest of the trip before spring meet up. Below are some illustrative images M

I love the fact you thought about it. Can you imagine the noise ? Oops I thought about it too. Dash it

God yes. Terminal oh yes. Broads bug bites deeeep into the soul and comes out your bum and infects yer brain and then yer done for i tell ye he he. Severe cases buy woodies only saved by deep pockets, forgiving partners and either skill in woodwork or friendly boatyard. Worse than the plague it is much worse . Capn loopps

Burning love Elvis. Can’t get better than that ..... i always knew knew there was a reason M

Not sure if 500 chinooks can lift 86000 tons M

Do you think I should ask if these guys want to come. Might have to enlarge the lock though . taken from hotel balcony ten minutes ago. On the Blue Coast.. It’s our 25 wedding Anniversary this Sunday

I am Psychiatric I am...

You have mice for sanding, do you have to feed them, do they run away? How long was the training? How do you attach the paper to their tiny little feet, what about droppings? Oh the questions they just keep coming. What do the boat beagles think, ours would eat them for breakfast, or at least try and show willing. Who said you were rubbish in bed ? I didn't....

Not looking forward to the vicarious varnishing the interior of Malanka I can tell you. A few spots need doing but doing the whole thing Aggghhhh the hours, the hours. Not mine you understand I'm with john in the wine department.

Timmy wear your academic gown (I just KNOW) you have one! Then you may look all professorial and erudite, just before falling down and swearing like a trooper. After that I suggest you sit in a wheelbarrow and be whizzed back and forth to supervise.

Sunny Day 5th April. Easter break wasn't all bad weather and dullMcdullface. sunny day 5th April.MOV

Ecliptic mix, you got a space going Juke Box ?? As for Timbo surpassing himself , I hope the nurse cleaned it all up and gave you fresh pants mate... Sometimes this forum is just sooooooo fantastically bonkers it just takes your breath away with joy at the fun folks can have with words rather than fight with them Hooooraaaahhhh.

Great stuff Polly, 12:30 sounds great to me . Plenty of time to get ourselves together. it will be great. If you have flags don’t care of what please dress your boat . Always gets lots of pleasing attention and horn hoots and waves.. M&F

Polly I hope you don't mind, but if folks want to, or would like to, mosey on over to Malthouse Saturday morning and join us with flags a flying and enjoy a brief CinC from Malthouse to Salhouse waving all the way with much merriment, please just turn up and spot us. We will be the white woodie with the flags on her moored in the middle of the broad with probably a few other boats attached too. You could PM me if you want to, or just turn up. If you have never been part of a river CinC it's a great opportunity for enjoyment of your boat with others doing exactly the same as you. Waving tooting and dressing the boat with flags is always fun. Over to you guys, stay in bed, chat or come to Malthouse for a right good time getting back to where you came from ...LOL. Also it means you will get new neighbours too so it's not the same ones as Friday... Good idea huh ....LOL Ok that's my good idea quota for the day, time for a lie down. M&F

Easter Monday dawned, which is about the best and only good thing one can actually say about that morning, ok it wasn’t cats and dogs outside, it wasn’t blowing a hooley either, it was dull , dull with some extra dull thrown in for those who needed more dull. Oh and it was drizzling too. It was also 6 am. The sounds of reluctant wakers and even more reluctant dog perambulators (I just miss typed god for dog there… HHHmmm very interesting) shuffling about the place staying warm and not turning on the lights (it was still fairly dark as I didn’t want to lose my night vision) was a quiet and controlled contrast to the total silence outside, not even the ducks were quacking it was that dull. Fiona and Justin took the woofers out for their morning mad ten minutes, even the dogs knew it was dull and didn’t bark or do silly stuff. Anyone with any Airedale experience knows how rare this is. I turned on the wheel house red light to look for shoes and gps and stuff like that. I also turned on the boat nav lights because as I may have mentioned it was a bit dull like outside. ( just as a complete aside. The farmer who rents our spare development land as a farm here in Switzerland has been spreading natural fertiliser on the fields. My window is open as here in CH office Air con without very good reason is not permitted and as I type this in my lunch time I do so with the amazing piquant aroma of rural natural poo wafting about my nostrils) I also removed the springs we customarily deploy in the more tidal or free flowing areas of the broads. I brought back on board the deployable white sausage fenders we use when the need arises as our fenders may be too high. They were piled onto the bow of the boat and all tied together to get a bit of a washing if we managed to get up a decent speed across Breydon later. Soggy wet canines and hoomans returned to the boat it was time to depart which isnt as easy as it sounds. We were only 3 ft or so from the stern of the Silverline boat behind and the flow was very strongly in that direction. We had bow and stern lines remaining and I wanted to make use of the current to push us out. Justin shortened the stern line, I let the bow line go and got back on board pretty sharpish, then as the bow came out pivoting on the stern line justin cast it off and I added thrust at the same time and away we were. Minimum fuss and disruption to our neighbours. The interesting thing about this stretch of river is the speed with which it flows, even on 650 revs which is normally 3-3.5 mph we were clipping along barely straight at 6 mph, leaving not a ripple in the water and with very little steerage, in my opinion further evidence if any were needed that speed limits need to be enforced as “generated wash limits” if, as the authorities claim the limits are for bank erosion protection reasons. Speed over the ground means nothing in these circumstances other than the time to destination tables are less useful. We didn’t want to arrive too early nor too late as basically we didn’t want to drop the top and also then get caught in the flow the other side, so it’s a delicate balance, using slack passage generally results in us dropping the top. It was cold and wet and did I say DULL, so no top dropping please. We made it all the way down to Marina Quays before we found more boats actually moving, then there were two following each other with barely enough speed to generate steerage and we were not in a position to pass them as they were both taking the short route and I didn’t fancy finding out what new delights were littering the shallow zones at either side of the river into Yarmouth. A few years ago we had the prop on Malanka balanced properly which took the guys way longer than they anticpated as someone at some point had hit something so hard as to bend and dent two blades of the 17inch brass prop we are fitted with. She was so much smoother afterwards I am reluctant to even risk hitting anything under the water so behind them we stayed swaying from side to side in the flow. Eventually I had enough of this and after name calling and other venting activities didn’t work. I simply stopped in the river engaged reverse for five minutes and let them go do their thing slowly and carefully (or so they obviously thought they were doing), I’m still not convinced they didn’t actually know they werent actually steering. Anyway five minutes of holding station (OK I turned round to make it easier) off we went round the corner into Yarmouth with Justin deployed on the bow to scout the height guage. We should not have worried as the first guage read well over 9ft. So off we went with confidence with revs set for 4 mph to give us the steerage we needed. We waved to the rangers at the yacht station which was actually packed with boats and then looked ahead, somehow the boats we had been following and had thought we had escaped were there just going into the arrows for the first bridge, how was this possible? I will never know but it was the case. No option to turn here so I tried as best as I could to stay straight in the river and go as slowly as I possibly could. We negotiated both bridges easily but were now approaching the incredibly slow boats in front, how they were steering I have no idea. Last bit to go down to the yellow post and I could see the torrent of water that was flowing by the post and we hung back best we could whilst the two boats in front were jostled about from here to there in the quickly flowing water. Past the post and we let her have her head in the fast flow, she quickly accerated and we moved to the left to pass both boats as they had clung remorselessly to the far right side and were very close to the yellow post itself which I’m sure we all agree is never that good an idea. The two boats were still not steering all that well and floundering a bit so we continued past before we went under the bridge. Between the huge concrete stantions, there was an absolute waterfall of water coming down from the bridge which splattered the boat like a shower gel advertisement, it was a bit cold for the scantily clad blonde but you get the idea. Trip across Breydon was great fun, everything one could ask for, wind, waves and a crashing bow wave cleaning the fenders. I did take a picture of the gps speed but it’s a bit of a cheat as we were with the flow. 11mph is fun….. Soon enough the turn for Burgh Castle hove into view and we reduced speed to a steady plod and headed up the river against the tide, there were a few boats moored and a few people out and about on the top of the quayheading, the drop down to the boats was quiet significant and it looked like for a few boats the roof access was the only option. Reedham came and went with the only excitement being taking down the masty thing which I had to do whilst the crew recovered from their early start with an extended lie in. Suffice it to say that the brass monkey returned minus a few items after putting the mast down and then up again. Only a few boats at Reedham, where I am afraid to say we no longer stay. The reason being we can’t afford to have all the repairs done that staying there inevitably results in, simple as that. Reedham Ferry came and went and that is somewhere I would like to stay soon. We reached the turn for the chet before 9 am and headed slowly down one of the most lovely parts of the system, we saw only two other boats both leaving for at least half an hour and then I glanced back to see a woodie behind doing the same as us. Remarkably there were no swans, geese, or ducks anywhere to be see on the flood which due to the rain was really flooded. We continued up the river and passed Pyes Mill mooring and only one or two boats there too. Heading slowly into the marina and there were roughly four or five spare berths and lots of people moving about and it looked quite a bustling little early morning scene. Slipping stern on into a berth we tied up and relaxed, not knowing what dramas were to happen later but mainly discussing what we were going to do for food later that same evening. We had cooked twice and we didn’t fancy doing it again so we ummed and aahhhed about pub (with dogs) or chips (had them Thursday) or chinese (had that Friday), eventually we decided on Indian as we know the indian in Loddon is superb. Indian it was. We had plugged into the electic with 78 pence on the post and we had lashings of hot water after our Breydon adventure so I decided to have a long and very luxurious shower, not even turning the water off to use the shower gel. How decadent is that…. With steam emerging from both bathroom side windows, it must have looked like Malanka was vaping or something. Resisting the urge to sing in the shower I washed dried and emerged refreshed and eager to do nothing but read my book and watch the world go by. Unfortunately this wasn’t going to happen. I was sitting in the wheelhouse reading and relaxing when I heard engine sounds and looked up to see a broadlander (we have the number) coming into the marina, I had no worries as this type of boat is equiped with every thruster going and is a very manouvrable boat. Justin and I went on deck to help and take a line to make things easier. Unfortunately the helm decided that thrusters were for other people and either; Didn’t know how to Want to use them so he didn’t, as it turns out he was also of the max revs for mooring fraternity and the little Broadlander was swinging back and forth at the stern like a peeed off windsock, rather close to our port side bow. Whoooaaa I shouted just as they were about to connect, thrust was added and they pulled away, only to return thirty seconds later (or so it seemed) at a much increased speed and slammed straight into the port side bow area with a cracking impact almost knocking Fiona and Helena who was holding Eliza - 6 months old, off their feet. I may have said something about the son of our lord at this point but suffice it to say I was a tad miffed. The helm used the bounce off us to then head backwards and lift every fender down the side of the boat and actually get close to the quay heading., where he sprang out of the stern and grabbed lines to tie up. I was at point this calmly remarking to him that in fact he couldn’t moor there as there are no mooring posts which was why nobody else was in the hole, it wasn’t the first time I had told him this. Whilst I was telling him this he was busy attaching a rope to left hand leg of the BA sign behind the mooring. I Pointed out that would be a huge trip hazard in the dark and prevent anyone with a wheelchair or a push chair from moving down the mooring area. I also don’t think the ranger in the area would be awfully impressed either. Its not like there werent many spaces available, there were many. I enquired of the mooring miscreant if his boat had thrusters to which he replaied that it did. “Why didn’t you use them to prevent hitting us I asked”. His immediate response is a classic of entitlement. “look, not everyione is experienced you know, I’m a beginner” he said. “And that prevents you from using the thrusters with which your boat is equiped precisely to avoid such situations, why exactly” I asked. Also “why does being a beginner remove your responsibility for hitting us a massive blow” I asked, “you almost knocked my wife, daughter, and baby grand daughter off their feet” I added by way of extra detail. “Look mate I’m a beginner and I’m sorry but it was only a tap” he replied. This inability to apologise for the incident without adding and its not my fault is classic, and also then saying it doesn’t matter anyway as its only a “tap” beggars belief, or would have done if I had not encountered such individuals (insert your own favourite epithet for such people here) many times in the past. I ask you to insert your own word as my usual ones are not welcome in this place, as they have been referred to as “potentially insulting” by some. Well no sugar in your tea sherlock, insulting is sometimes required, necessary and appropriate to convey the totally vaccuous nature of this man’s responses. So choose your own my conscience is clear. This miscreant seemed to me to be a “not listening, obfuscating, dissonant denier” type and so any remonstration I came up with would fall on deaf ears and very probably antagonise him. He was entitled to hit my boat and cause quite significant damage because in his own words, he was an “inexperienced beginner” and so it’s OK. I wonder how this would have played out in reverse in the car park of his local supermarket had I accidentally crashed into the side of his car scratching down the entire length and denting the front left panel, I’m not sure sorry I’m a beginner would work? The damage was through the paint and into the wood with a depresssion of about ¾ of a cm and length of about 15 cm. Hardly a tap. Anyway I swallowed all that and said we (justin and I ) could move him using ropes to the mooring on the opposite side of us, where there were adequate posts to secure his boat. “How are you going to do that “ he asked, “with ropes I replied”. OK I sighed but not that much….. So Justin and I then had him pass us his ropes and we pulled the boat out of the mooring and out in front of Malanka, a little bit of heaving and we got him to the other side and heading for the quay heading. All good I hear you say to your collectives selves, and so we also thought. Suddenly with both Justin and I standing on the staboard decking of Malanka with tight mooring lines to the stern of the broadlander, it suddenly accelerated forwards, almost pulling both Justin and I into the freezing cold March water it was so sudden, we had no options other than to drop the ropes into the water. The miscreant then appears at the stern of the Broadlander and yells, “F this I’m F’ing P****d off here”, and then proceeds to gather up his lines and head off to Pyes mill. Well there you go…. A little while later a blue bathtub type boat appears and skillfully moors next to us with minimal help from us just taking the proferred lines as requested by the crew. “Thank you” I said “that’s so much nicer than the previous chap who was rather rude”. “Ahh” he said “that will be my little brother he is an arrogant pr*ck and a total d*ckh**d as well”. Who was I to argue? Just as Justin and I were settling back to wheelhouse book reading a huge, brand new, first trip out Fair Entrepreneur slowly entered the marina and promptly stopped dead in the water. Their engine had cut out, they continued to head for the outflow that usually trickes down into the basin , but on this occasion it was a raging torrent that was quite audible in its ferocity. We exchanged some words and I asked if they had thrusters they said yes but no engine, I replied that the trusters should still work for a while, which actually was the case. So with minimal use of thrusters they managed to avoid everyone and just sort of sit there in Limbo. We attempted from the bow of Malanka to throw them two lines joined together, but the distance was too great and once wet it effectively got even further. Justin then commandered the blue bathtub’s rowing dinghy and took the two joined lines via the dinghy to the boat. OK it took longer than that and was a real effort but he did it. Then it was a matter of heaving and pulling and grunting to get this leviathan into a mooring space next to us. Suffice it to say we managed it. The hirer called NBD and they promised to come out early doors next day to fix the issue. After all this excitement it was time for our take away from the Indian on the high street and we ran over to get an updated menu. We perused, decided, ordered and picked up a delicious meal in less than 30 minutes. Try them its superb. After our meal, we perambulated with the woofters, enjoyed some saloon talk and then redied oursleves for bed as we were tired. An early start followed by a morning, then afternoon of stress and drama, and we come away to relax???? Tomorrow we were heading to Rockland St mary to meet up with Alex and Lorna and eat out with the woofters in the New Inn. It’s only a short trip but todays excitement meant we needed a relaxing day doing nowt…. More to come. Attached is the picture of the GPS we took crossing Breydon. Was mucho fun. We didn't get much opportunity to take pictures of the other exciting events that happened in Loddon, but we did get boat number of the miscreants boat. Deciding what to do with it now.

Is he an Artiste? Guffaw or what? love you John Lincolnshire sausages rule !