Seven Things Only Women Understand

[Hylander]

If this is in the wrong section please move.   It is not exactly a joke but comical.      I couldn't post it in the Jokes section for some reason.

 

7.    The need for the same style of shoe in different colours.

6.    Your wardrobe can be overflowing but you still have nothing to wear.

5.     A salad , diet cola, and a big slab of chocolate cake make a balanced lunch.

4.     Wine contains grapes so counts as one of five a day.

3.     Every bathroom scale ever made is faulty.

2.      Why we need to go to the loo in pairs.

1.      And the number 1 this only women understand -   Other women!!!!

 

 

 

 

[Viking23]

I don't think you have posted in the wrong section, more a case in the wrong forum.

Try posting in a forum that doesn't have a Gracie. Lol

You have left us men open to posts about things that only men understand.

Good luck lol

 

 

[Gracie]

Love it  and so true on all counts, 4 and 7 in particular applies to me. Only one of your five a day indeed, if there is the equivalent of 1 grape in every glass, that equals five glasses, right?

Grace

 

[Hylander]

Mine is number 3 - every scale ever made is faulty.

[Gracie]

Richard did you mean a post that states what men understand about women?........Here it is........

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1. Women have breasts

Grace

[MauriceMynah]

Given the "Love, honour and OBEY " bit, isn't "1" enough?

 

[Poppy]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

 

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."  

[Viking23]

1 hour ago, Hylander said:

Mine is number 3 - every scale ever made is faulty.

Our scales are quite old, they use knife edges on the corner and a variable plate capacitor as the sensor, the heavier the weight, the closer the plates get together, thus, increasing their electronic capacity. This is used in an oscillating circuit, where the frequency is proportional to weight. Easy to adjust, one small potentiometer, I took ours into the hospital, and compared it to the electronic scales in hospital, so I adjusted them to suit.

They were "weigh" out, our scales showed we were around 10lb lighter than the hospital ones. My wife still claims they were more accurate, and wants them putting back as they were lol...

I recon if I left them as they were, I could have sold them on eBay lol...

Most modern scales use strain gauge technology that's why some can be made from glass, the problem with these is they are not good with high levels of humidity and fluctuating temperatures.

 

When I was in the weighing industry, we had a saying, no matter how accurate the scales, you can only weigh a dog to the nearest flea.

We actually had scales that could do that. Also as a marketing gimmick, mostly at exhibitions, we weighed a clients business card, asked him to sign it... Weighed it again, you could measure the weight of the ink. What the customer then hopefully says... Look the weight is dropping.. not impressed..

That's the ink drying Sir... Now he is very impressed, where do I sign ?

Also a clever way of getting contact details lol....

Scales can be accurate, it's just sometimes, we don't want them to be lol.

Richard

[MauriceMynah]

Sounds like your scales were measuring in Newtons not Kilos or stone!

[SPEEDTRIPLE]

7 things only men understand, but women can`t

you have to keep putting petrol in it.

if we have`nt got enough money we can`t afford it

there must be be at least one opposing player between the player running forward and the keeper when the ball is passed to him

when the blue flag is waved at you, the leaders are coming up to lap you

watching rugby instead of strictly

yes yes yes, i`l do it later when i`m less busy doing all the other things you want done

and the best one last, being in a cruiser, we have to give  way to sail, and pass under his stern, which means BEHIND him, and when we get to the bridge, we have to lower the canopy before we go under, or it`s going to be very expensive..

 

[MauriceMynah]

And that a "damage waiver " isn't someone waving to us, who has a poorly foot.

[grendel]

1 hour ago, MauriceMynah said:

Sounds like your scales were measuring in Newtons not Kilos or stone!

I wouldnt dare buy any scales that measured in tons - new or old that would be asking for trouble.

[MauriceMynah]

Oh yes Grendal, The trouble would come at you en masse

[ExUserGone]

She said she wanted something that can go from 0 to 120 really quickly, so I switched the scales to KG.....

[grendel]

I was going to buy the wife a bicycle, when We went in the shop I asked if the bicycle would be suitable for the larger woman, the assistant assured me that the frame would take anyone, but said that thewheels might not turn round.

Why I asked, what shape would they go, I will never know the response, I just woke up surrounded by nursing staff in A&E

[Poppy]

Tip for men

Your wife won't start an argument when you are cleaning the house...

[grendel]

oh yes she will, you will be tidying in the wrong way....

[MauriceMynah]

Looking at the thread title, I can't help but wonder if there should be a comma between "only" and "women"

[Poppy]

Cash machines.

Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE),
and remember them when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Set parking brake; put the window down
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check make-up again.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release handbrake.

 

[Viking23]

When I used to do the total house cleaning, I used to put stripes on the lounge carpet, up one way, down the other, better than that, I used to open the doors to the dining room and the stripes went straight all the way through.

This wound the wife up, she then told everyone at her work, but that back fired as they were all on my side.

Better to have stripes and a clean house than no cleaning at all lol...

Our vacuum cleaner isn't made by Hoover... It's made by Qualcast lol...

Richard

 

[Poppy]

For those chaps who aren't getting enough hanging, there is now a telephone help service.

[JennyMorgan]

I have never heard of a nagging man, have you? Men just don't do it, do they?

[Gracie]

No, maybe not, but I've just got back from my brothers after watching the Arsenal Man U game with brothers and Dad, armchair experts at their very best, lord knows why they don't manage England is beyond me, if they were in charge England would win every tournament of that I'm sure. They should have done this and that and why on earth they didn't play such and such a player Not nagging, I know but near as damn it

Grace

[Wonderwall]

Why do women need to own 30 handbags , but only ever use about 4?

 

on the other side, I'm sure women question why men need 200 spanners when a couple of adjustables would do?

Its because they don't use spanners lads , isn't it 

[grendel]

1 hour ago, Wonderwall said:

Why do women need to own 30 handbags , but only ever use about 4?

 

on the other side, I'm sure women question why men need 200 spanners when a couple of adjustables would do?

Its because they don't use spanners lads , isn't it 

I am sure they would be the first to complain about rounded over nuts......