Malanka

If you had your agreement in writing a court visit should be your next course of action

Send pictures. Nice blog and some interesting story bits. Check your bows too (and ours pls) for any more blue paint and aluminium scratches. Apart from that enjoy, not jealous at all.

We had an aluminium extending one in the stern well, we got rid of it as it kept falling on my head when we used the rear toilet at night time. It was nowhere near as good against nettles as the short wooden jobbie.

Been interrupted several times by the thump thump thump of the boat hook head impacting the nice varnished cabin sides of Malanka, leaves a lovely crinkled cracked ice look to the varnish, very stylish. Also the thump thump thump of the SCREW holding the head of the mop onto the shaft doing the same thing. please DO NOT USE MOPS EITHER. One sixteen year old mouth bigger than brain numpty stepped up and offered to fight me when I pointed out that was a bad idea and please desist. Or words to that effect. I had to take a step back as his mouth breathing halitosis stench was overwhelming. We have two boat hooks one about ten feet long and another one in the wheelhouse that is an excellent medium staff, for those who are familiar with the term. That one is great for grabbing harness or whatever of person or hound in the water, and or winning arguments with nettles.. Rant over..

Sunday dawned a little damply, ok it was chucking it down and had been since around 3 am. Both Aireboys were awake as we could feel their tails swishing back and forth. This is inevitably followed by the stretch and slide of the forepaws, claws extended, this part is to be avoided by any- and-all human flesh. Next comes the head shake, snake zig zag dance and woofle, closely followed by the sniff, woofle nose bump. We tried to tell the boys we were still asleep, we lay still, no moving, breathed slowly. Nope nothing worked, both boys crashed on top of us both, and it was all hands to protecting sensitive human parts. One of us had to take them out into the deluge. Yes, it was me. I made no bones about being positive so it was back on with the shorts, new Polo-shirt, deck shoes (no socks please gentlemen), I couldn’t be bothered to get wellies as they are in the front cabin. Open the zip stand back and let the dogs out, feel free to add the huh huh huh parts. Poo bags in hand I followed both enthusiasts as they headed for the nearest tree to pee. They met an absolutely soaked lady with her spaniel, they chased her, the spaniel, about for a couple of minutes then seemed to decide ok it’s our walkies now, and stood there, wagging tails and looking all expectantly at me. I could hear sounds of men at the weir so decided to head over and take a look. I had both leads round my neck and both boys walking next to me, we headed to investigate. There were many canoeists playing in the fast-flowing water, and very proficient they looked too. Both Aireboys found this quite fascinating and stuck their heads through the wall to take a closer look, as it is with dogs, their interest peaked after 5 seconds and the next thing they needed to sniff out became the path back to the river, so we headed off under the trees getting quite quickly soaked by the larger drops formed by the leaves. The larger drops felt quite nice, but not conducive to staying dry. When we returned to the boat Fiona had doggie breakfast ready and the kettle was whistling tea was ready too, it was 07:15. We decided to stay in situ and have breakfast before heading down river to our next destination, which we had decided after a couple of “Captain Morgans” last night was going to be Womack. We debated top up or down, as it was still drizzling very slightly, decision was more tea please. We sat in the stern well drinking our fresh brews and observing (sounds so much less intrusive than watching don’t you think?) a lady free swimmer preparing her kit to go off downriver. The free swimmer set off with a very proficient front crawl and I wondered if we would see her again later. Nope.. she was very quick…I wistfully remembered the days when I could do such things. The clearing skies prompted us to drop the top but retain the screen until pre bridge. The sun was desperately trying to shift the annoyingly persistent clouds, we needn’t have worried, half-way to Wroxham the sun finally peeked out from behind the grey blanket just before 9:00 am. We arrived at the bridge lined up, sounded the horn, a good decent blast and started to advance to the bridge when a day boat appeared just under the bridge and decided to sit there’re whilst the passengers examined the bridge, wonderful. We made it through and enquired if the helm understood what the blast on the horn meant? “The what”, he replied, God save us from the innocents, we departed with nothing more said. We had decided to head straight to Womack and enjoy a long day lazing in the by now very strong sunshine. Both Aireboys seemed very interested in the goings on and stood to better admire the changing scenery. This of course prompted more comments from passing boats about huge fluffy curly rugs and the like. The journey was lovely, long enough to charge the batteries and sunny enough to prompt some sun-screen, sadly this proved not good enough and a week after returning the shingles, bane of my adult life, returned once more. We arrived at Womack and the dyke was full so we didn’t even investigate the staithe or the island and popped smoothly (that’s a lie, current and wind against) into the little wild mooring as you enter the turning. We moored up, sat down, walked the Aireboys, and it was suddenly wine o’clock. The Aireboys entertained themselves saying hello to all the walkers both human and canine, who passed us by. They soon got bored of this, well we certainly did and they settled down to some serious sleeping. As you can see from the pictures it was an horrible day, where we met loads of horrible people, and horrible doggies and had a terrible time…. NOT Dinner tonight was to be burgers from the butchers in Clare (our nearest town). The day seemed to go forever, one of those amazing summer days that feels to last until bedtime with no passage of time at all. After dinner it was one more “walkies” for the Aireboys where Monty found a cow pat… AND ROLLED IN IT!! Anyone want a dog? The end of the day came too quickly and soon the sun was setting. Today was glorious, tomorrow after a potter to potter we would return home, what a wonderful long weekend. The End….

After the Aireboys had partied hard with our new Russian friends, the boys may have been treated to a couple of excess, surplus to requirements barbequed burgers. Our new friends were on their last night and it was an everything left on the barbe party, hence it was such super fun. I don’t think they took any alcoholic beverages home either, and we did try and help with that even if only a little bit. One does ones best in such circumstances. Post Party sleeping pups…. Tired out, pooped pups, their pawrents weren’t too far behind either. Saturday dawned and it was time to decide where we were going to go, we had things we needed to do . OK this is Norfolk so that’s so not true……and things we wanted to do. Head up the Bure to Coltishal locks and spend a day doing not much. So, plan made to head up-river to do nothing at all, we took a few photos of the boys enjoying the island before we set off up to the locks. I must admit the Aireboys were very compliant this morning, nothing at all to do with being exhausted the night before. Normally you can’t get them this close for this long except when they are asleep. Obviously heading up to the locks requires a negotiation of Wroxham bridge, hopefully it would not be a repeat of last Saturday with six boats triple moored (side on) against the hotel moorings just in front of the bridge. No idea how that was authorised but it caused mayhem all morning. We had the top down and had a leisurely pootle to wroxham via a stop in Salhouse for a bit of breakfast / brunch / sit in the sunshine. We arrived at the bridge, dropped everything, and went under and then moored up in the pre railway bridge BA moorings so Fiona could go gather some essentials from Roy. That little piece didn’t take long so it was still early doors when we headed up the last stretch of the bure to Coltishal. The kingfishers were trilling, flying, and generally being wonderful, there were few boats about all heading downriver, so we set 600rpm and 3.4 mph and took an age to get there, an age filled with lovely sounds, sights and a general feeling of wellness. The sun was glistening off the water, the gentle breeze rustling the leaf heavy boughs of the trees, families and children were playing in the water and jumping off the banks, kayakers were doing their thing and free swimmers were doing their thing too. A truly magnificent day was in progress and it was still this side of 11:30 am. We gently chugged past the common, a good 30% of the available mooring space occupied by single kayaks, we were unconcerned as this was not our destination. The common was filled with socially distanced picknicks, families having fun and happy people just strolling in the summer sun. GLORIOUS. We arrived at the narrow not very deep part of the river just after the Norfolk Meade Hotel, sandwiched between reeds on both sides and wide enough for one vessel only. There in front were three kayakers line abreast, one somehow didn’t figure out that an 11.5 ton boat can’t manoeuvre in those circumstances and managed to keep the centre line downriver and clatter the side of the boat with his paddle. For what reason I don’t know, can’t figure out, and leave to him to understand. We were barely moving against the flow and basically kept station whilst they past. If they believe that area of river is not for powered craft, they are mistaken. That slight unpleasantness behind us we moored at the locks just south of the Canoe launch area and sat and did, nothing, it was heaven. This is Boris doing nothing. There were some young people over by the weir doing young people stuff and having a good time, we heard them, talked to a few on a dog walk, and generally lived and let live. Having still one teenager in the family allows me to still feel part of that old life I used to have. They were all very polite and just lovely young people out having fun. After a while some very nice members of Her Majesties Constabulary turned up on a routine visit (honest guv, wusnt me guvner), we had a lovely time chatting with them and they said hi to our hooligans too. Boris confessing to everything… The plan was steak, chips and peas with some garlic bread thrown in for our tea and frozen “raw diet” dog food for the boys. Barbecue suitably cleaned, rump steak raised to room temp, oil and seasoning added, glass of wine in hand it was time to cook. The sun set, the dinner was amazing, the company stupendous, the views outstanding, it was due to rain later so we could even fall asleep to the sound of rain on the cabin tops. Heaven, does it really get better than this? weekend tale .docx

A Long Weekend Tale. So after such a long and anxious wait for a suitable time / weather break, for Fiona and I to "go floating", the day had arrived, work was finished for the day, which is one of the benefits of consulting, the disadvantage being I wasn't being paid for Monday...And Friday 17th was our departure day. Fiona with the Aireboys and me with a car full of stuff we had brought all the way from Suffolk. Gosh I have been waiting ten years to be able to say that. We set off out of the shed and just pootled, dinner was a pre prepared home made curry sauce, samosas and some naan bread. The chicken was marinating in the fridge and we didn't care what time we arrived, target was Ranworth Island and we were floating. It was 18:30... Boris Chillin on the Saloon cabin top The water was lower than a snakes tummy and the bridge at Ludham was a brief interlude in our progress, screen up top up everything up, and over 9ft on the gauge. We had so many comments about what a beautiful DOG, or DOGS when both were standing up, smiles waves and chuckles galore all about the dog. It was as if his public had missed him, stuff the boat, she's fine, just comment on the hairy rug sat on top.... After a suitable leisurely cruise downriver we turned into Ranworth and headed for the Island. Our spot of choice is the side on opportunity on the far RHS of the island. This lovely spot was empty, the island was fairly full and a full on party of people near the end looked to be having a fine old time, but more on them in a minute. A little off the mooring breeze was in evidence so pull up alongside, step off with both ropes and bobs your auntie. A quick tie up, then loose the beasts to charge up and down, woof and frolic and generally have a lovely time alongside and amongst our soon to be new partying friends from Russia. Three families from Russia now living in the UK, were there having a suitably wonderful time, they met the Aireboys and their younger party members, especially Nicholai, instantly fell in love. The Aireboys decided it was Christmas and played and played and chased and played and chased, until at about 21:30 with tongues and legs equally akimbo we put the thoroughly weary Aireboys to bed. One final cuddle from Nicholai and it was bed for the beasts. We had intended a brief chit chat with our newly discovered Russian Broads friends, but in true Russian style they ignored all that reserved brit stuff and the Apero, and the Prosecco was gifted into our hands. Lovely it was too. Boris after our new Russian friends had departed, he was disappointed they weren't there in the morning. Aireboys do love to play. Soon it was time for our own tea / dinner, whatever it is called when you're eating at 22:00hrs. Dinner was superb, samosas were amazing (thank you Fiona xx). Then it was off to bed and plan for tomorrow.

We used to rent the Silver Jubilee’s regularly. The height is gained with the floor being almost level with the hull. Just like in Malanka but even lower. Great heritage boats and absolutely no reason why they couldn’t replace all the fly bridge monstrosities apart from the 350k build cost and massive maintenance issues compared to Tupperware. And wait for it. Sustainable too.... lol The desire of some to look down on others is evidenced all over the place, cars, boats all places. There are consequences and the current fad for fewer bigger more luxuries may end and a traditional approach for the leaner wallet may return. who knows. the ratio of boats to size is a matter of demand and ROI. Simple as really.. As soon as folks begin to understand bigger is not always better, and modern isn’t always better either, more choices will result. If you want to see that in action look at the range of boats Richos have on offer. Don’t think they make more from the monstrosities because they don’t. m

Change boat design not the bridge. m

We have turned Malanka there with 13ft sailing dinghy attached. We had to use the engine as nobody on the full staithe wanted to help us with ropes. Watch out for the brambles on the starboard side as they do stick out quite a bit. The issue perhaps with a 42 footer is the hull shape a bit lower down the river. If it’s low you may do some dredging. Not a place to get stuck. The channel is v narrow alright for us at 10ft and v shaped but some of the flat bottom 12 foot wide jobs may struggle a bit if water is low. M

At last a topic concerning length and width that has no other references than cost. He he tin hat time. At the end of the day it’s a very simple matter of English common law. Offer and Acceptance. Simple as... What’s that old adage. You pays your money and makes your choice. no foul....

Have swum in the broads for years and will continue to do so. The broads authority strongly advises many things over which it has zero authority, that’s why they strongly advise. Geldeston lock, Coltishal lock, salhouse broad. The first two are tops of rivers and unlikely to be compromised by algae. Salhouse rarely is but Ranworth is usually Unswimmable most summers. But have swum there historically. Take note of algal blooms and don’t swim in the fluorescent green stuff. If you let the nanny state out of its box you’ll never put it back

We have twin saddle tanks and we take immense care to not add anything but clean cool water whenever we fill up. We filled up last Saturday when our for the day. We don’t use any sterilizing liquids of any sort as they actually create the problem you’re trying to eliminate. Think antiobiotic resistance and you’re not far wrong. Keep it fresh use plenty fill frequently and fannies your auntie

Or bring lappy and use that instead of the tv

Don’t forget if you need WiFi then buy a dongle great stuff and if you get a data only sim for it nobody knows you’re using it for WiFi. 30 quid for unlimited data from tesco lol If you have a fire stick or a doku or now tv bring it plug it in to tv and the dongle is your WiFi films all you want m

As current custodians of Malanka, I can honestly say one other boat we would consider buyIng would be water rail, she is not modernized in the way that many are and has some beautiful quirky bits that I think are charming. Lovely boat superb history to go along with the boards and boaty stuff . We have Malanka because we didn’t want to get old saying WHAT IF, ten years later we are surely more educated and a lot less ignorant. Would we do it again. YES YES YES..... Good luck looking her over... Martin and Fiona

On the topic of the lovely Izal, beloved of school caretakers everywhere in the 60’s and 70’s. When I was an undergraduate student many eons ago, we performed several assessments of the fallibility in terms of the penetration or lack there of said toilet roll and several more comfortable and or absorbent varieties to liquid or semi solid excrescences. Fear not dear readers we used a substitute material consisting of eColi cultures and other scientific “stuff”. Well after messing about for four hours with different combinations of loo roll, wetness and solidity, we incubated our experiments to read at a later date that week. The results were expressed in terms of sheet number to prevent pass through to fingers. Yes you know where this is going! Izal: 1 sheet that stuff was impervious to liquids and about as absorbent as a plastic bag. Andrex Foreign dog toilet roll cushioned pocket 4 ply designer loo roll: 12 yes 12, I say again 12 sheets required to prevent pass through. This translates to 240 poos per roll Izal and 20 poos per roll of foreign dog rip off cushioned fluffy clouds to achieve the same level of protection. Sore bums not withstanding we coupled this study with one of bathroom contamination on a live University Bathroom / Toilet / Smoking Room. Cold tap was 100% direct transfer every time. Even filthier than the bowl of the bog. Remember folks what’s the First and Last thing you touch in the bathroom after pooing then the subsequent “wash your hands” mantra. The COLD TAP.. He he, that’s why hospitals and testing labs have either foot taps or elbow taps. And of course Oulton broad public toilets. Hope you all enjoyed that back to enjoying BH beer and sun in the garden. Martin and Fiona

I have four relatives on the menin gate, my father served in Burma and after that in the armoured fighting vehicles inspectorate during the Korean War. None of my relatives retained a single medal from any of the campaigns they fought in they all declined, every one of them. They just wanted to come home. They never forgot anything they just let it go... M

I’m afraid in my opinion ( and who am I) if this is true, with side on only at Ranworth staithe, one assumes this will be stern to bow side on as stern to stern with two boats with stern wells . e.g. Malanka and Broad Ambition we could in fact have a jolly old chinwag and exchange mucous and other bodily fluids as we see fit. If the BA will explain the HUGE difference in risk between calmly mooring With no shouting or sweating and walking past a sweaty panting jogger in a park, or somebody coughing in tesco, then I would be suitably impressed. This looks like, walks like , smells like ignorant ( it’s not perjorative it’s a state of knowledge) Folks with authority wanting to be seen to justify their authority and having been asked by some civil service wonk to supply actions has thought for three minutes ( I’m generous ) and come up with this nonsense. Have these people not seen a train or a supermarket or a petrol station. I have to smile otherwise the cumulative pile of utter drivel on the topic of SARS COV-2 will induce an imbalance of geological proportions. Stay safe folks no kissing strangers and wash. Martin

Felt a tickle in the back of the neck region, rang surgery to get telephone chat. By the time chat happened full blown shingles on the back of the neck AGAIN! Grrr arranged prescription for antiviral tablets to reduce the length and severity of the outbreak and lower the post herpetic neuralgia ( which sucks big time) . Rang pharmacy am, truck broken down , no meds, rang at lunch, still no meds, rang at 17:35 ( pharmacy shuts at six) meds finally arrived. Jumped in car to go get em. Phew took first tablet. If not taken within 72 hrs of that first tickle the anti virals won’t work and you’ll have it for two weeks, which is a bit of a bummer. With all this focus on SARS COV-2, I forgot to take my usual precautions and wham out came mr Herpes and Mr Zoster. How anyone without a car is expected to deal with that I don’t know. Oh well such is life. M

We have two 25kg mudweights . Malanka is 39ft long 10ft6 beam and approximately 11.5 tons in weight. If Doug is reading this we have a windlass too. Those two hold her in a blow very well.

Drink some, then they float.... M

The United Kingdom is still great, our people are still selfless, our spirit still unbreakable, our willingness to sacrifice unbounded, our capacity for kindness boundless. Years and new generations have not changed us, immigration has not denigrated anything, it has made us richer in many ways, broader in outlook and hope. We are different now but still the same, Britishness is a thing, not a colour or a race or a creed. We are a magnificent coat of many cloths, it feels great again to be British. Despite doubters and nay sayers our Gurkha Logistics regiment built a 4000 bed hospital from scratch in nine days. Those little men from far away typify British, they always have. Our corner shops now sell weird stuff with labels we can’t read and we don’t care, that’s British. Corner shops, essential workers, NHS heroes, delivery heroes, list of brave selfless people is endless. Most of all: WE KEPT CALM AND CARRIED ON. Oh and it is nine thousand steps to mow our lawn. Martin and Fiona, Justin, Boris, Monty and Boots. Kindest Regards from West Suffolk.....

Look at us / UK /WHO websites M

Better still STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE!!! M