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Uncle Albert's Trousers...Mission Impossible

Timbo

By Timbo
in The Broadscot Lounge

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Timbo

Timbo

Posted
Posted

I know the Norfolk Boating fraternity is a fashion conscious bunch, what with that French Fashion House La Them's in Potter Heigham and of course Roys in Wroxham, so I'm turning to the forum in the hope of being pointed in the right direction... I need some help with Uncle Albert's Trousers.

 

Now that I'm the carer for the old duffer i want to smarten him up a bit, starting with the trouser department. A couple of years back I made a suggestion that 'while he's on the boat' jogging pants would be easier to deal with. His soon to be ex wife has dressed him only in jogging pants ever since. All well and good but they don't sort of go with his gansey, and RN blazer that he insists on wearing.

 

So your mission, should you choose to accept it, I need to find some easily washed, quickly dried, no ironing required trousers with creases in the leg, preferably with an elasticated waist to accommodate a wide waist and skinny legs, preferably black in colour, that will look appropriate worn with a blazer...oh yes and that damned sailors hat he insists on wearing.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFvSovPwmno

 

 

 

 

 

 

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JennyMorgan

JennyMorgan

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I had heard that Uncle Albert's trousers are in dire need of a wash. Apparently they went solo walk abouts the other night, someone mistook them for Old Shuck.Heavens only knows what caused the glow of their eyes!

 

The other option is to nip into BHS, they do light twill trousers with elastic in the waistband, in natty colours as well as navy. I say that they do, they did last summer. 'Walking trousers', from Millets , are pretty good for us old codgers. Quick drying, handy if the old boy dribbles!!

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BroadScot

BroadScot

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What about a kilt? No undergarments required, no washing of underwear and very little washing if any of the kilt....always a bonus!

 

Looks smart with a blazer. You don't see the bottom half very often on the boat if at all. Job done!

 

 

cheers Iain.

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JennyMorgan

JennyMorgan

Posted
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What about a kilt? No undergarments required, no washing of underwear and very little washing if any of the kilt....always a bonus!

 

Looks smart with a blazer. You don't see the bottom half very often on the boat if at all. Job done!

 

 

cheers Iain.

On the Broads, Iain? What with eels and snakes climbing bare legs and rats seeking easy meals I have my doubts! How can you put bicycle clips on a kilt?

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  • 1 month later...
Timbo

Timbo

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Still no joy on the trouser front for Uncle Albert. I despair at the idiotic modern sizing scale of S,M,L,XL and XXL. Uncle Albert is classed as FB but only around the middle! Let me try and conjure the picture for you...no...no I insist...if I have to suffer nightmares it's only fair that you all should join me. The sight of Albert in his undercrackers is a little like ...imagine if you will a knock kneed 5ft tall sparrow playing a bass drum has become trapped in the changing cubicle and is shivering from fright.

 

So we have abandoned the fancy trousers and stayed with the jogging bottoms for the minute and decided to tackle him from the other way up...starting with his damned blazer. I have to have it dry cleaned every week, its a complete pain to put on and take off of him and I need to replace it with a smart, light weight jacket with sizeable internal pockets to keep his sweetie stach and notebook in.

 

Incidentally, a recent visit to our local Indian Restaurant and the head waiter asked how Uncle Albert was getting on. The last time I took him in there for a meal, the waiter approached the table and said

"No offence, but you two remind me of someone."

"I had a cousin that was a waiter!" says Uncle Albert.

"Not in our restaurant I wouldn't think." said the waiter.

"Could have been, our Peter liked a curry!" exclaimed Uncle Albert.

 

The waiter returned with our main meals.

"Ayam dalam bakul!" said Uncle Albert.
"Pardon?" said the waiter.

"That's Malay Dad, he won't understand you! I can't understand you!" I told Uncle Albert.
"So what language does he speak?" asked uncle Albert turning to the waiter. 

"Where...are...you...from?" Uncle Albert asked the waiter loudly as I cringed.

"Brad...ford!" said the waiter winking at me.

 

As I settled the bill the waiter grinned at me.

"No offence, but I've remembered who you two remind me of!" he said.

"Go on!" I urged dreading the reply.

"Steptoe and Son! No offence!" grinned the waiter.

 

The thing is, every time I go for a curry they ask me to bring Uncle Albert back to visit.

"He's a bloody good laugh mate!" says the waiter.

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Mowjo

Mowjo

Posted
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Timbo! you can try a company called Chums they do everything for the weird shaped, but be warned if you do use them you'll be getting snail mail from them every couple of months, I used them for a pair of Dessert Boots about five years ago and I still get snail mail from them, 

 

Frank,,,

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LondonRascal

LondonRascal

Posted
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Two websites:

 

1. http://www.chums.co.uk/menswear/trousers/elasticated-waistbandsand http://www.chums.co.uk/menswear/trousers/lesiure-trousers

 

and

 

2. http://www.premierman.com/shop/trousers/menswear/1/_/N-1ytw5w8/products/show.action?type=cmr&hnid=11141242&cm_sp=PMA-Menswear-_-Categories-_-Trousers#/shop/loose-fit/stretch/trousers/menswear/1/_/N-10h9Z10haZ1ytw5w8/products/show.action?hnid=11141242&spv=true&type=cmr

 

 

Happy shopping :)

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  • 1 month later...
Timbo

Timbo

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Thanks for all the suggestions but I have finally found a solution to Uncle Albert's trouser problem. 

 

I picked up Uncle Albert on Tuesday for his weekly shopping trip and visit to my house. My other half was on holiday so decided to come with me. I took one look at Uncle Albert when we arrived at his house and knew something had to be done. Three days growth of beard on most of his face, what looked like two huge hairy caterpillars crawling out of his nostrils where he had missed shaving under his nose for a few days more made him look like Hitler. Black jogging bottoms that had shrunk in the wash, black t-shirt and a black blazer...with half his breakfast down the front. Of course everything was topped...and bottomed...off with his damned sailors hat and his velcro fastening shoes.

 

Step One.

Drive back to my house and put his razor in his hand. Point out there is no tea and cake without a shave.

 

Step Two

Take him for tea and cake and do his food shop at Tesco.

 

Step Three

Take him to Buoys to buy clothes.

 

Buoyes is a fantastic shop for the boating fraternity. They sell tools, hardware, housewares, materials, upholstery supplies, fishing tackle, painting and decorating tools and paints, they even sell 'pin striping' masking tape for doing the gold trim on RT! Most importantly of all they sell clothes. The kind of clothes Ted Moult and Bernard Mathews used to wear on the TV adverts. Farmers clothes, old mans clothes.

 

I grabbed the first assistant I could find and told her what i was looking for. Trousers that with an elasticated waist that were not jogging bottoms, that looked like normal trousers, that were of a lightweight material easily washed and dried, wouldn't need ironing, were a dark colour and came in sizes ranging from XXL to FB! Hey Presto! She had two pairs of just what I was looking for.

 

I added a number of polo type shirts to the shopping trolley, a navy coloured lightweight casual 'bomber' style jacket and a pair of deck shoes, with velcro fastenings!

 

Back at home I pried Uncle Albert's blazer from him. Confiscating the blazer he was dressed in his finery. Vast, vast improvement. He looked quite dapper. Even when he insisted on putting that sodding sailor hat back on!

 

Visited him today at his day center and he was wearing his trousers and a new shirt. Somehow and from somewhere he had found another blazer, royal blue this time. I will be confiscating the damned thing next Tuesday!

 

You may think I'm cruel confiscating his beloved blazers but they are a nightmare to put on him. It can take twenty minutes to get his arms into the sleeves. On top of this there is the cleaning bill which can run to £30 a weeks on dry cleaning.

 

We topped everything off with a bottle of his favourite aftershave, Aramis, and he was swatting off old ladies at the day center like flies.

 

Just got to wait for Buoyes to get more of those trousers into the store now!

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