More Complex Or Simpler! I Really Don't Know.

[MauriceMynah]

Well, The little old lady I've been caring for died this afternoon. Her son is still in a nursing home, I've got to go and see him tomorrow to break the news.

I don't know what my next move is! I can't really just abandon the house at this time of the year. I don't know what my legal responsibilities are regarding informing various institutions (DWP for example) nor who should arrange (and pay for) the funeral.

All this might mean my having to move on to new Nyx sooner rather than later, homing Taxi (I asked him if he wanted to come to Nyx with me, he just looked at my like I'm filth and made some more holes in my legs.) I think he's irritated that my training might be interrupted. My hope is that I can spring Rufus from his care home and move him onto Nyx with me. The cat can use his legs for a change..

I may be away from the Forum for a while, or at least not on as often.

I really have no idea what I should do next.!!!

[LizG]

I really can't help with what you need to know or do but I am really sorry for all concerned and very worrying for you.

[Chelsea14Ian]

It may be worth  contacting  Citizens advice  bureau. They may be able to help.

[ExSurveyor]

The only advice I can offer is don't rush things, take time and appropriate advice.

[NeilB]

Sorry to hear this.  As above don't rush, get some advice and take it one step at a time, also check if there's a will as she may have expressed her funeral wishes in it.  From when my mum died last year I found there's a tell us once service which covers all government agencies and worked well for us.  https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once 

You'll find getting anything organised will take 2 or 3 times longer than usual due to the current situation.

I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as it can in the circumstances.

[floydraser]

Unfortunately, we've had to use the tell-us-once service recently and I can confirm that it certainly helps reduce the workload and stress involved. Citizen's advice sounds a good first step though; someone or some organization you can discuss the situation with in great detail. Not a forum. 

[Turnoar]

Sorry to hear your sad news MM, could start with your local council or the citizens advice. In instances where people die without having made arrangements the council may deal with it and recoup the costs from the estate later. When the death is registered that will either inform others by due process or provide what is needed to help inform others. It sounds as if other than her son there is no one else to step up and to that end I tip my hat to you, can’t be or indeed have been, an easy situation.

Looking to the future you have your Nyx chapter to focus on and I wish you all the best for both now and then.

[ranworthbreeze]

Sorry to hear about the old lady you were looking after John. a lot is dependant if she died at home under a doctors care or in hospital. I the case of being under hospital care you contact the bereavement officer in the hospital, they will give you the information you require, if under care from a doctor, then ask the doctor for details of the way forward.

I do not know of your situation with regards to the old lady and her son that is  under nursing home care, do you have power of attorney at all or are you listed as an executor? If not her son would have to deal with the situation with your help.

You will have to deal and inform loads of people, whoever you contact ask to speak to the bereavement office, be it the local authorities, her bank, insurance companies etc.

As others have said take your time and do it all one step at a time.

[StillCruising]

I'm sorry to hear about the old lady. Dependent on circumstance and the duties / abilities of Rufus it could get complicated. I would go with the Citizens Advice suggestion but if their anything like they are down here don't expect too much help. You could concider spending some money on a chat to a solicitor that deals in 'family matters', If there are any complications (as there was with my mother in law) it will be money well spent. 

[Polly]

Sorry to read your sad news John. Once the death certificate is issued you do what Neil B says, use the Tell Us Once service. Leave all paperwork and accounts untouched and hand over to her solicitor. It is the responsibility of the executors to do all the arrangements.

Rufus is best off where he is and you and Taxi can move to Nyx 2, cats are fine with boats. 
 

There is no hurry to do any deciding. Take your time my friend. You are stronger than you think.

[Ray]

Very sorry to hear your sad news and the dilemma you are left with MM.

In my most recent experience of these things the first step was to see The Registrar and here I found not just the formalities but a wealth of advice and experience in how to move forward.

Wishing you well

[JennyMorgan]

Most 'Help the Aged', and indeed hospitals, have advice booklets on 'what to do next'. Are you an executor? No, then it's probably not your responsibility. Yes, then first job is to register the death. My local registrar was a real fund of information. Hopefully there is a Will but the first question is 'are you an executor'? 

[JennyMorgan]

Good information here:

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death

[ZimbiIV]

Sorry for your loss of someone you obviously liked a lot.

The main thing to do is stop worrying about your responsibility, you have none except the moral ones that you seem to think you have (which nice of you).

If the son is not able to take on these responsibilities try to get him to verbally give you consent.

I do not envy you but respect you for caring.

Regards to where to live it will take a good while to sort things out and get you evicted, if they deny your rights to occupancy quote this forum for the time you have lived there. After that cite Covid laws about movement.

I really am impressed you feel it is your obligation to sort things out you must respect the family well.

If the property is now privately owned by Rufus, so long as the bills are paid nobody will really care in these times .

If there is another claim on the house, claim squatters rights you didn't break in but was invited to live there. if all fails inform the RSPCA about tiger the friendly cat.

I repeat I do not envy you, I do admire you for caring about the family but you have no legal right to even organise a funeral unless granted by the heirs.

Find an executor/will.

paul

[YnysMon]

I think you have some excellent advice from other forum members above. Just to add that I found the ‘Tell us once’ service very useful when my Mam died. The suggestions to get in touch with Citizens Advice and the local Council seem good to me too. 

I think you have gone above and beyond in caring for your friend and his Mum., not to mention the cat. I tried composing other sentences (e.g. you deserve a medal) but they all sounded trite and not worthy of the caring you have put in. In the end, I don’t think it’s the flashy things people do to try to show they care about their fellow human beings. It’s the day to day stuff and slog that really matters.

[JennyMorgan]

John, just a thought, does Rufus have a carer / social worker or similar when he is at home? If so then they are the obvious next port of call. The Will will, or should tell you who the executors are. I'm not sure that you can take on these responsibilities without having first been appointed. A funeral plan may already exist, in a nutshell, having been there and done that with my wife's family. A sight of the will is probably crucial. If there is no will then the probate service will probably take over. Is there a pile of papers? Rent book, house deeds, bank statements, birth certificates and the like? Such things can all provide clues but the door might be closed to you if you have no legally agreed access to them. Without anything else the Will has to be top of the list followed closely by the death certificate. My local Registrar Office was a mine of information.

[JennyMorgan]

John, having re-read your original post I'm reminded that Rufus is in a care home. Was he put there by the local council? If he inherits the house then the council might then have a charge over the property in order to finance his care. Did your lady friend have a health visitor? It strikes me that you can and probably should leave all the aggro to the local welfare department, at least initially. In the meantime sit tight, it is your home for the time being at least. 

 

[JennyMorgan]

4 minutes ago, JennyMorgan said:

John, having re-read your original post I'm reminded that Rufus is in a care home. Was he put there by the local council? If he inherits the house then the council might then have a charge over the property in order to finance his care. Did your lady friend have a health visitor? It strikes me that you can and probably should leave all the aggro to the local welfare department, at least initially. In the meantime sit tight, it is your home for the time being at least. I doubt that Rufus could move aboard with you if the local welfare department has taken on the responsibility for his care. You clearly need professional advice before you make any moves.

 

 

[MauriceMynah]

Well things move on so for anybody who is interested (and everybody who isn't) here is the latest instalment.

While I wasn't feeling well, and had been feeling really shoddy since new years eve, I did very little about anything. On Tuesday I went to the Care home (at their invitation) where Rufus was staying to tell him about his mother's death. He took it as well as one could hope, but it was obvious he was in shock. Wednesday had me doing a rough check of Timothie's paperwork in her desk. I found her will in which she names a firm of solicitors as executors. I know it was the latest will as I remember driving her to Stortford to make it. It also had her wishes clearly stated funeral wise. So I informed her solicitors of her demise and they have taken over with them recognising me as the house sitter.

Towards the end of Wednesday afternoon I had a call from Rufus's social worker informing me that they were discharging Rufus on Friday, and could I pick him up at 11 am.

Rufus is now at home and I have had time to assess his condition. Boy do I have my hands full now!

First of all he went straight back on the booze, finding whiskey I hadn't found, locating his mothers Bianco store before I'd had a chance to hide it, and my beer reserves which I'd hoped to limit him to.

He is suffering from some form of dementia and has no short term memory. He asks me the same questions many times a day. He has remembered that his mother died, but little else.

I am making no snap decisions and will have to see how things pan out.  If I can muster sufficient control over him I'll be able to bring him up to the boat from time to time.

I still have a roof over my head, The cat still looks at me like I'm filth, and I'm looking after an epileptic alcoholic guy who is suffering from Alzheimer's. 

Life ain't boring here.

[ZimbiIV]

Glad your back.

If you want advice on how to proceed from here, may I suggest trying rune stones.

You have enough to do without input from idiots like me.

Good luck and it's been quiet without you.

paul

 

[OldBerkshireBoy]

First up, so glad you found the will and got the solicitors involved, now for the second part, all I`ll say is that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Good luck

[Smoggy]

Good luck, I don't envy your situation one little bit.

Finding the will and named solicitors helps though.

[JennyMorgan]

John, my mum in law had Alzheimer's. It was hell for my wife and I. We had mum in our home for nearly two years but thankfully welfare eventually saw our problems and mum was taken into respite care, where she was assessed and she subsequently stayed at what was a specialised Alzheimers/dementia care home where she died three years later. She tended to go wandering, imagine that on a boat. For your own sake, John, be cruel to be kind. You can visit weekly but be prepared for his decline, it won't be pretty. An aunt of mine also had Alzheimer's, she also went wandering, her son went through hell caring for her until the last few weeks of her life. Alzheimers requires 24hr care, for two years our sailing was curtailed, we were always on call. I admire your loyalty but I don't envy your position. Will you be able to cope when Rufus becomes doubly incontinent as surely he will? Will you be able to lift him when he tumbles as surely he will. I very much doubt that welfare will allow him to live on your boat.

[ranworthbreeze]

John I feel for you and the predicament you now find yourself in, you must be torn at what to do next. At least now being as the situation in now in the hands of the solicitors, it give you time to reflect.